Years ago I saw a bumper sticker that said, “Don’t believe everything you think,” and it blew my mind. Until that moment I honestly believed that my thoughts were true, every last one of them. Also my opinions – they were totally true, I was certain of it. And not only that, when I had a thought or an opinion, I believed it was my duty to share it out loud. I think I was insufferable! (Here’s my post on how I started to become less judgmental). Seeing that bumper sticker was the first cracking open of my unquestioning allegiance to my brain (I actually mean my thoughts, but I’m using the word brain to designate the location of the action).
Then at some point I started having horrible, unexplained stomach cramps that would last from 6-8 hours. Really intense pain. My first thought was food poisoning, but I tracked back my eating, and it was clear the cramps weren’t food related. When I looked into it more deeply (with the help of my therapist!), I started to notice a pattern. One time the cramps started after someone hurt my feelings and I hadn’t said anything. Another time they started after I was uncomfortable at an event but didn’t leave (I was afraid I might offend the host). Another time they happened after I said yes to an outing when I didn’t really want go (that one was both fear of offending my friend, as well as FOMO). I started to see that the cramps would happen after I had ignored my own true need or desire in favor of pleasing or “not offending” someone else. (Here’s my post about overcoming people-pleasing).
It was like my brain wasn’t taking my needs seriously, and my stomach was saying, “Oy! Listen up!” In my brain, I had fears of offending others or not being good enough, and these fears caused me to override my true needs. My stomach was sick of it, cramping in protest to get my attention. My stomach was saying, “Hey! You need to stick up for yourself!”
After a while, the pain of the stomach cramps was worse than the pain of sticking up for myself (e.g., leaving a party when I was tired and risking others judging me for that), so I started to stick up for my own needs. I endeavored to do this in a firm, kind way. The first several times I said no to something I didn’t want to do felt very scary. My heart was pounding, and I had lots of scary thoughts about possible fallout from saying no. But, lo and behold, nothing bad happened. The next time was easier. So far it’s been working out great. No more stomach cramps, and my friends are still my friends even when I decline plans, leave a party early, or let them know when they hurt my feelings.
Now I believe my stomach more than my brain. I mean, sure, my brain is great for a lot of things, but it also makes up lies (“If you say no to this dinner invitation, everyone will hate you!”). My stomach never lies to me. When it starts to twinge, I know it’s letting me know something’s not right and I’d better look into it! (Side note – looking into it doesn’t always mean I only listen to my stomach. There are still times that I choose to say yes to something I don’t really want to do, for example when saying yes supports my greater values and goals. Listening to my stomach and looking into the issues it raises means I’m being conscious of my options, and I get to choose).
So when I work with clients, I like to support them in beginning to notice any signals their stomach (or shoulders or neck or jaw or any other part) might be sending them, trying to get their attention. I help clients slow down and “hear” what their body might be saying to them. Then we can explore options and reaffirm their ability to choose.
1. Body signals
2. Awareness of own needs
3. Seeing the options
4. Power to choose
:
5. Profit?
Love,
Jonna
