Do you find yourself getting irritated about “small things”? Or overreacting and having big feelings to things you logically know should be so upsetting? Hair trigger anger? These could be signs that something deeper is going on. Let’s look.
I’ve shared this example before: I was cleaning the table after dinner. My dad tossed me a hand towel. I screamed, “Quit f’ing trying to control me!” I was in my 40’s. Think there might have been something deeper going on for me? Yep!
Big reactions can be a sign that something old is rearing its head again. Something from long ago that hasn’t been resolved, about which we may have strong, unexamined feelings. For me in that hand towel example, it was deep seated anger at feeling powerless, which I felt quite a bit growing up. So in that moment of my dad tossing me the towel, that young, angry part of me flared up and took over. In that moment, Young Me was driving the bus.
When Young Me flares up, often my logic and reason goes out the window. She’s pure emotion: often anger, often demanding attention or emotional validation/safety. She wants what she wants – right now!
It’s great to be able to recognize those young parts of ourselves and give them what they need. The problem comes when our current behavior affects those around us. My dad sure doesn’t like being yelled at when he was just trying to be helpful, and my screaming can do damage to my current relationships. The challenge is to tend to my Young Self while also maintaining my adult self in the present. Helping Young Me calm down and let go of the steering wheel.
I use inner-talk (positive self-talk) to address Young Me directly. “You were hurt. What just happened brought up all that hurt from the past. You didn’t deserve it.”
I use breathing to help my nervous system relax a little. Unclench my jaw, breath as if I’m sending air down into my belly. Count 3 deep breaths. Feel my feet on the floor.
I use my adult self to be the Good Parent in the present moment. I give Young Me a hug and make sure she knows I see her and she’s not alone.
Sometimes it takes a while, but eventually I’m able to get Young Me to relax and relinquish the steering wheel so that Adult Me can drive the bus again.
I welcome Young You in our sessions, so we can help that part get what they need, so you can drive your bus.
With love,
Jonna
