Wait, Jonna. Why would I want to be less judgmental? My opinions are how I express myself. My opinions make me who I AM!

Errr, kind of? It’s true we are all judgmental beings. It’s part of being alive. I think it starts in our lizard brain because we have to discern what is safe or dangerous. We also have preferences as part of who we are. But for me, my discernment and opinions spiraled way beyond that to the point where I couldn’t see a thing without having a judgment about it. Usually a negative judgment! (“Wow, the fringe on that lampshade is, like, half an inch too long. Nice try, stupid lampshade!”)

I come from a long line of judgmental women. I grew up with a judgmental mother, so that’s what I learned was normal. You see something, you say something (usually something negative). My mom got it from her mom, who likely got it from her mom. Ahhh, family heirlooms…

But I started to notice two things:

1. It felt exhausting having to have so many opinions all the time. It just took a lot of mental energy to form opinions and make judgements about everything I laid my eyes on.

2. I FELT judged all the time! And the message in all that judgment toward me was that I was coming up short. I always felt like I wasn’t good enough. I still struggle with that! It’s a hard belief to untangle; it’s been with me for so long, having been raised in an atmosphere of judgment as I was.

And I think that we are much more than just our opinions. We also have Creativity, Compassion, Problem-solving, Togetherness, Curiosity, to name a few! I find those parts of people and myself really interesting and compelling.

So for all those reasons, I decided I wanted to become less judgmental. I’m a work in progress, but here are some tips if you’d like to try it, too!

1. Start to notice. Notice how often you judge something. Just notice. You can also try an experiment where you purposely judge everything, at every moment, for a period of time. As in, “Okay, for the next two hours, I’m going to judge every single thing I see.” This can bring your judgment-tendency into fuller clarity and allow you to notice things about it.

2. Close your lips. Literally. Stop the judgment from coming out of your mouth. I was surprised how much of a difference this made for me. I felt good about myself for making a concrete behavioral change, and refraining from speaking my judgments also sharpened my ability to notice my internal experience of being judgmental. Which brings us to…

3. Notice how it feels to pass judgment. Take notice of the sensations in your body or the vibe you get when you pass judgment. Maybe if feels exciting and powerful or gives you a sense of purpose. Maybe it feels tiring and unpleasant. Notice!

4. Explore where the judgment “came from.” Often our beliefs about the value of one thing over another have been handed to us from someone else. “OMG can you even believe that house has a slate roof? Slate roofs are sooooo pathetic!” Where did you first get that idea? From your parents, perhaps? From social media? From friends or peers? From advertising? Maybe someone once made fun of you because you had a slate roof? I’m sure that couldn’t have felt good.

5. Have compassion for your young self who felt so harshly judged. When you got judged for your slate roof, yeah, it probably felt pretty bad. Maybe you felt humiliated, or ostracized/othered, or small/less-than. I like to help my clients connect with their younger selves, to give that sweet young you the compassion you didn’t get in that moment. What would young-you have liked someone to know? What might today-you want to say to young-you? These kinds of re-connections can be very healing.

6. Play with the question, “What might be possible in this moment if I wasn’t attached to my judgment?” It might feel scary to ponder such a thing. “Give up my judgment!? That would leave me vulnerable to the judgment of others!” Or, “Then I’d have no personality! I’d just be bland and boring!” Or maybe, “Then I could relax.” Anyway, I invite you to ponder. My own answer to that question is often that I wouldn’t feel so separate, that it might be possible to connect more with others.

7. Keep loving your judgmental parts. Even as we’re asking those judgmental parts to stand down a bit, we can still love them. In my experience, when I explore the origin and motivation of my judgy parts, they really just want to keep me safe from the judgment of others. They want to keep me belonging. They mean well; it’s just that they got a little too dominant in me.

8. Notice again. Notice what it feels like to not pass judgment. Notice your experience in all of this.

9. Use your noticing to help you discern what actually feels good in your body and in your heart. Consider following that!

And for the love of Pete, shorten your lampshade fringe and get rid of that slate roof! What will people think!?

Love,
Jonna