Client R (NB40) came to therapy with a desire to understand their chronic stomach pain. Doctors couldn’t find any reason for the pain (after various scopes, CT scans, blood work, etc) and had given them the all-clear. R decided to explore possible psychological origins of their pain.
As we started to talk about R’s life, it became clear that they had a lot of feelings about it, about their family, their job, and various social experiences. R realized they’d been low-key upset for a long time and had simply buried the feelings. From how they were raised, R believed it was “wrong” to express anger, it was important to “be polite.”
The more R and I discussed it, R was able to acknowledge these feelings of anger and to try on a new perspective: feeling angry is a normal human emotion, and it’s okay to express that. We can learn how to do so in healthy ways. In a moment when I could tell R was really feeling their anger but not expressing it (their jaw was tight, their hands were clenched, their voice was tight and ragged), I offered them a pillow.
Them: “What’s this for?”
Me: “Go ahead and scream into it.”
Them: “What? That’s weird.”
Me: “Give it a try, see how it feels.”
Them: “It’s kind of embarrassing.”
Me: “Yeah, it’s new. I get that. You’re not used to it. Okay, whenever you like.”
I offer a pillow rather than inviting the client to scream into the air for a couple reasons. The pillow dampens volume, thus removing the idea of “I can’t be loud; what will people think?” The pillow can give a sense of being held, a feeling of safety. And I used a fresh hand towel to cover the pillow, for hygiene.
Eventually, R put the pillow up to their face and started yelling. First, a general quiet scream. Then they allowed themselves to cut loose, and even yelled some words of aggression and vulgarity. They kept going for about 20 seconds. Afterward, I asked what they noticed.
“Wow,” they said. “I actually feel a little better.”
The yelling had loosened something inside them. They felt more spacious, lighter. From their we continued to explore their experiences and feelings.
These days R is quite comfortable grabbing the pillow and expelling that pent-up anger energy whenever they notice it.
In this way we can help anger to pass through us rather than get stuck inside and locking us up.
Grab a pillow and give it a try! Or hit me up and I’ll be with you as you start to let your anger out.
Sincerely, Jonna
See my other related blog: The Value of Venting
