I saw this poster up at my nephew’s elementary school, and I love it. It’s a simple pathway to resolving conflict within families, relationships, and friendships. Use it between siblings, between parent and child, between partners, between friends, and even between frenemies. It’s essentially Non-Violent Communication made easy!

Each person gets a chance to say how they are feeling, while the other person acknowledges it. Then they get a chance to say what they need, while the other person can agree to meet that need. The colorful ring format has the people starting out at a distance from each other (standing or in chairs), then moving closer at each step, which mirrors the emotional closeness that is built by the exercise. You can also opt to just sit in one spot for the exercise; sometimes closeness feels good when sharing our feelings. The exercise ends with a handshake or hug.

Here’s the simple version to use with kids, and in this post I share how to include more layers for adults.

1. Start by standing opposite each other, approximately 10 feet. Imagine standing on the red ring. Take a deep breath.
2. Person A goes first. (This can be the person who feels “most harmed.”). They step forward and read the words on the orange ring, using an “I Statement” (“I feel_____”) to express how they feel, so Person B can understand how they may have made another person feel. Person A can add the reason why they feel that way, if they choose to. Example: “I feel angry that you took my coloring pens. They are mine, and I don’t want them lost or ruined.”
3. Person B takes a step forward to the orange ring and acknowledges how Person A feels by responding, “You feel_____.”
4. Person B takes another step forward, reading the yellow ring. Person B uses an I-statement, saying, “I feel_____.” Example: “I feel sad that you yelled at me for taking your pens. I want to draw, too.”
5. Person A steps forward to the yellow ring and acknowledges how Person B feels by responding, “You feel_____.”
6. Person A takes a step forward and reading from the green ring, shares, “I need_____.” Example: “I need you to ask me before you take my pens, and to listen if I say no.”
7. Person B steps forward to the green ring and responds, “I will_____.” Example: “I will ask you before I use your pens, and I will listen if you say no.”
8. Person B steps forward to the blue ring and shares, “I need_____.” Example: “I need to have something to draw with, too.”
9. Person A steps forward to the blue ring and responds, “I will______.” Example: “I will help you find pens, pencils, or crayons that are okay for you to use.”
10. Both people step forward into the purple circle. They can can take a deep breath and give a thumbs up, shake hands, fist pump, high five, etc.

When I facilitate this with my nephews, I notice the structure helps them feel safe and heard and calm. They feel a sense of accomplishment when they finish the exercise, like they’ve completed a team project together successfully. Give it a try and let me know what you find!

In my next post, I go into more detail about the emotional layers when adults use this method.