The Restorative Rainbow is colorful representation of Non-violent Communication, a fantastic conflict resolution and communication tool. Here is an expansion of my earlier article how to use the Restorative Rainbow for kids. Now we get into adult conflicts! We can consider more of the nuances involved.

Non-violent communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, is a way of talking with another person that aims for mutual understanding and calm sharing of feelings and needs. There’s no secret to it, and it’s really very simple. It requires only good faith, an intention toward resolution, emotional regulation, and vulnerability. Those things are simple, but they may not always be easy!

Emotional regulation:
Are you ready to share calmly and (equally as important) to listen fully to the other person, or are you still mad or sad? It’s okay if you’re still mad or sad, and we can be honest about that. Sometimes I have to say, “I’m too mad to talk right now.” I need to scream (in my car or into a pillow), or punch a pillow, or dance it out, or take a vigorous walk. Or, if I’m sad, I may need to cry for a while, or watch a sad movie, or listen to a sad song and just feel sad. Once I get some of that anger energy or sadness out of me, then I can come back to talking calmly.

Intention toward resolution:
Are you ready to solve the problem together? If my intention is to “prove that I’m right,” this method won’t go so well. I want to make sure that I’m sincerely open to working together to solve the problem.

Vulnerability:
This method asks you to share your honest feelings. Does that feel okay to do? It’s not always comfortable; can you tolerate the discomfort of opening yourself up? You can consider some tools for staying calm during the discomfort – breathing, going slow in order to keep checking in with yourself.

The four parts of Non-violent communication include stating what happened in a neutral, non-judgmental way; sharing your feelings about what happened; sharing your underlying needs or values; and making a request of the other person. It’s important to remember that the request is not a demand, and the other person may or may not be willing to fulfill the request. The request can be an entry point for collaborative problem solving, working together to find ways to meet each person’s needs.

Here’s an example. Blake comes home from work, and Avery offers some spaghetti that they’ve made from scratch. Blake says, “No thanks.” Avery says, “Well fine then! I don’t know why I bother! You are so selfish!” Blake feels awful. Avery feels awful.

After a while, Blake and Avery are able to calm down and come together to talk it out. These are the steps they follow. (Avery will be Person A, and Blake will be Person B).

1. Sitting opposite each other, imagine standing on the red ring. Take a deep breath.
2. Person A goes first. (This can be the person who feels “most harmed.”). They state what they observed, using neutral, non-judgmental language. Example: “I offered you some spaghetti that I made, and you declined.” Then, reading the words on the orange ring, Person A uses an “I-statement” (“I feel_____”) to express how they feel. Example: “When you declined to try my spaghetti, I felt hurt and sad. I worked hard to make it.” Person A can continue, adding the underlying need or value behind the feeling. Example: “It’s important to me that  my hard work to be recognized and appreciated. I want to know that I matter to you.”
3. Person B considers the orange ring and acknowledges Person A’s feelings and needs by responding, “You feel_____. And that’s important because you need _____.”
4. Person B states what they observed, using neutral, non-judgmental language. Example: “When I said I didn’t want any spaghetti, you got angry and yelled at me.” Person B then reads the yellow ring and uses an I-statement, saying, “I feel_____.” Example: “I feel hurt that you yelled at me for not eating the spaghetti.” Person B can add their underlying needs or values. Example: “I need the freedom to decline food. Eating when I’m not hungry or not in the mood makes me feel sick to my stomach.”
5. Person A reads yellow ring and acknowledges how Person B feels by responding, “You feel_____. You need _____.”
6. Person A reads the green ring and makes a request. Example: “It would feel good to me if you at least take a taste of something I’ve cooked. Would you be willing to?”
7. Person B reads the green ring and responds. They may or may not agree to the request, or perhaps offer a modification. This is an opportunity for collaboration in problem solving. Example: “I may not always be in the mood to even take a bite. But I will make sure to acknowledge your hard work and my appreciation. And I will let you know when I am ready to eat. You matter to me a lot.”
8. Person B reads the blue ring and makes a request. Example: “I request that you consider that when I say no to your food, it’s not a rejection of you. It’s just that I’m not ready to eat anything.”
9. Person A reads the blue ring and responds. Example: “That’s a tough one for me. It hurts so much when you say no to my food. But I will seriously think about and consider what you said, that it’s just because you don’t want food now; but you still appreciate me.”
10. Both people step forward into the purple circle. They can can take a deep breath and shake hands or hug.

You can also use Non-violent communication when only one person has an issue or request. For example, “Hey Blake, I noticed you parked the car close to the wall, and it was really hard for me to get past. I felt frustrated trying to squeeze through that narrow gap. Would you be willing to park so that there’s at least two feet of space?”

Feel free to keep the Restorative Rainbow in front of you for reference as you start to use Non-violent Communication. It may take some practice before you get used to talking with each other this way.

Let’s goooooooo!