During a session with couple Sage and Riley, Sage described feeling sad and low due to some life circumstances self-critical beliefs. Riley said, “But you are so awesome. I know it’s hard for you to see that, but you are. You’re so great.” Why didn’t that fix everything?
Considering Riley’s perspective: Riley is hearing Sage’s sadness and wants to help. They want Sage to feel better. They want Sage to see themselves as Riley sees them: an awesome and lovely person. They don’t want Sage to suffer. This is so understandable! Of course we don’t want our loved ones to suffer; it can feel monumentally uncomfortable to have to see a loved one in pain.
But, alas, Riley’s comments didn’t make things better for Sage. In fact they seemed to make things worse. Sage seemed to shrink more and more into themselves with every comment. What’s going on?
Considering Sage’s perspective: Sage is feeling low, sad, and a little bit hopeless. As we unpacked what it felt like to hear Riley’s comments, Sage shared that the comments made them feel even worse – unable to “live up to” the vision of themselves that Riley had. They also felt “dismissed,” like they weren’t supposed to feel what they were feeling, and something was wrong with them for feeling that way.
Instead, what Sage wanted in that moment was just acknowledgement of how they were feeling. Simple empathy and reflection. Riley practiced saying things like, “Sage, I hear that you are feeling sad and hopeless right now,” and Sage confirmed that felt much better to hear. It was hard for Riley! Riley noticed the repeated urge to Reassure, to Fix, and to Problem-Solve.
Sometimes a person might be looking for Reassurance, Fixing, and Problem-Solving (“I’m so nervous about my presentation. Can you tell me I’m gonna do great?” or “I’m so annoyed with Chris at work! How can I tell Chris to back off?”). Then it’s exactly the right thing (“You’re going to be sooo great in your presentation. You worked really hard on it. You got this!” “You could tell Chris you need to focus on your deadline, but you’d be cool to chat while on break.”). But other times, when a person is having big feelings, they may just want to vent or be heard.
In those cases, when we try to Reassure, Fix, and Problem-Solve, we run the risk of sending unhelpful messages. We may be implying, “Your feelings aren’t valid,” “You shouldn’t be feeling what you’re feeling,” “You need to be better.”
When we refrain from Reassuring, Fixing, or Problem-Solving, and instead use empathic reflection (“I hear you are feeling ___.”), we send the message, “Your feelings matter.” “YOU matter.” “I am here with you and can hold you while you are suffering.” “It is okay that you are feeling this way right now.” “You are okay, just as you are.” In fact, by allowing Sage to have their feelings, Riley is demonstrating Sage’s okayness/greatness/awesomeness, rather than telling them about it.
Onward with your awesome selves!
Also check out Feeling My Feelings? No Thank You!
