A client was sharing something painful and started crying. It was a powerful moment in the session, and after their tears subsided, we both sat quietly, gently holding the client’s emotional vulnerability. Then they said, “Huh. Turns out worrying about my feelings in harder than actually feeling them.”

I think lots of people experience some resistance to actually feeling their feelings. I remember when my own therapist years ago told me, “I think you need to feel your feelings,” and I scoffed, “That’s the LAST thing I want to do!”

We may have beliefs about showing our feelings. “Big girls don’t cry.” “You’re weak if you show your feelings.” Maybe we were even punished as a kid for showing feelings. Maybe our parents got angry at us – “I’ll give you something to cry about!” Maybe we’ve had big feelings sometime in the past and felt overcome by them, and we don’t want that to happen again.

And men, maybe you were taught that boys don’t show feelings. It isn’t manly. You may have been ridiculed for crying or caring about something. You may have gotten messages from parents, teachers, friends, the media that “boys don’t cry.”

So we learned to hide our feelings away. And now we may feel some shame letting down our “guard” and being emotional, especially in front of someone else. It may not even be conscious at this point, but we’re so conditioned to shutting off our emotions that the moment we start to feel one, something inside us clamps down until the feeling goes away.

We may be so used to it that we don’t realize how much work it takes to keep our feelings stuffed. That work comes at a cost: the clenching down affects our bodies and our nervous systems. We can’t quite relax, we have to always keep the walls intact. The mental gymnastics to “get rid of the feelings,” telling ourselves, “I shouldn’t feel that way.” That costs us our sense of self – on some level we’re telling ourselves, “There’s something wrong with me for having feelings. There’s something wrong with me!”

But in my experience, when I allow myself to feel my feelings – anger, sadness, fear/anxiety, the feelings flow through me and pass. I’ve heard the process of feelings described like a wave: feelings come, they build up, they crest, then they subside. That’s what it feels like to me. And that wave of big emotional expression lasts about 4-6 minutes. Afterward I feel calmer, I can think more clearly, and I can see new possibilities for myself.

Allowing myself to feel my feelings brings me great peace and inner calm. It also frees up so much energy in me to be creative, connect with others, tell the truth, and show compassion.

But, yes, if you’re not used to feeling your feelings, it may be really really uncomfortable to start. Maybe you can’t even imagine it. Working with a therapist who you trust can be a great way to start. A trusted therapist can create a space where you feel comfortable enough to let a little bit of feeling out. They’ll help you notice what that’s like. You’ll start to see that your shame and discomfort with feelings are allowed, and the therapist’s warmth and validation can help you let go of the shame and decrease the discomfort. You’ll start to notice the relief and release of allowing your feelings to flow through.

I’m excited for you as you are on your journey!

Also check out The Value of Venting.