There’s a forum on Reddit.com called “Am I the Asshole,” where people write in describing interpersonal scenarios from their lives, asking for feedback as to who in the situation is “the Asshole” (ie, who is wrong or bad in the scenario). For example, “Am I the asshole because I won’t share my french fries with my partner?” It’s very popular (19 million subscribers), and filled with drama and high emotion. Addictive!
The Allure
We like seeing “bad” people get called out.
Seeing “bad people” get called out feeds our sense of justice, for sure. Also, as I notice my own emotions and sensations when I read the posts, I think the stories touch into a young part of me – when I was young and “powerless” and could not do or say much to people who hurt me. That young, hurt part of me wants to hurt the people who hurt me. It’s not rational, it’s emotional. She is out for blood, and so it feels very satisfying to see “bad” people being murdered (with words!).
We like to judge.
The world and our lives are filled with grey areas. It can be hard to navigate, hard to feel like we have footholds – how shall we proceed? How do we make sense of the chaos? That’s why judging right and wrong feels so satisfying. It’s clear. It’s orderly. We feel in control. We can make sense of the world. We feel safer.
So in the case of the french fries, it can feel good to say, “Yeah! Your partner is the Asshole! They should have thought about fries when ordering instead of mooching of of you!” Or, “You are so much the Asshole! How selfish are you that you can’t share a couple of fries!?”
But there is a danger in this kind of right/wrong thinking, especially in relationships.
The Danger
In working with couples, I am supporting the couple learning better communication, de-escalation of conflicts, and better conflict resolution. Many couples want to have better emotional safety with each other and to be able to feel like a team. Right/wrong thinking works against this. Right/wrong thinking keeps us locked in adversarial positions (partner against partner) instead of helping partners understand each other’s position, have empathy for one another, and come together to solve problems peacefully (partners together against the problem).
The Importance of Emotions
When it comes to emotions, I believe everyone is right. Our feelings are our feelings, and we have a right to feel what we feel. Understanding and allowing each other’s feelings builds empathy, compassion, emotional safety and trust. When we jump to right/wrong thinking, we lose our curiosity and openness to each other’s feelings. We are blocking empathy, compassion, and emotional safety.
Multiple Truths
Instead of the polarity of right vs. wrong, I advocate for multiple truths. It can be simultaneously true that Kit just wants a couple of fries and feels disappointed that Ellis won’t share, while Ellis feels angry being asked to give up fries. Both can be true. Exploring further, maybe we come to find out that Kit values frugality and feels anxious about overspending on extra fries. And for Ellis, maybe we find out they had to take care of their younger siblings growing up, had to share everything, never had anything of their own, and so now being “forced” to share triggers anger and painful memories. Neither one is “wrong”, we can understand their feelings. And when Kit and Ellis understand each other’s feelings, then they can work together to identify a solution that supports both their needs.
In the long run, understanding each other’s feelings brings us closer.
