Here’s a dynamic I see a lot with couples. The partners want different things and get angry at each other for not agreeing or giving them what they want. But instead of blaming each other, what if you could redefine the problem and then team up against it?

Here’s an example:
Quinn gets home from work and craves some alone time to sit in the dark and watch Vanderpump. Avery’s been missing Quinn all day and craves some sofa time to talk and cuddling. Quinn gives in, but feels resentful. Avery senses Quinn’s resentment and feels hurt and also resentful. Quinn blames Avery, “Avery’s always forcing me to talk and cuddle. I mean, I love Avery, but why do my needs always come second?” Avery blames Quinn, “It’s like Quinn just wants to avoid me. If we’re going to be a couple, we need time To.Geth.Er! Quinn is selfish for not caring about that!”

If we feel into each of their positions, it’s easy to see that neither one is wrong. Yeah, Quinn is exhausted from work and the long drive home. They need some time to relax and recharge. They needs some space and quiet to allow their nervous system to reset. Totally understandable.

And yeah, Avery’s been missing Quinn. Avery loves that together time and wants to feel connected to their partner. It’s important to Avery to have that time as a couple to recharge their connection. Totally understandable.

So it’s not a matter of who’s right and who’s wrong. It’s not “Arrrgh, Quinn’s stupid need to recharge!” or “Arrrgh, Avery’s stupid need to connect!” They’re both right, and nobody’s needs are stupid. With that in mind we can reframe the problem. The problem isn’t Quinn’s need to recharge or Avery’s need to connect. The problem is: We have different needs happening at the same time. Looking at it this way, the problem is actually just a timing issue.

Then Quinn and Avery can team up: How can WE address this issue of having different needs at the same time? Let’s brainstorm!

We can go one at a time.
We could have some alone time when Quinn first gets home, then cuddle together afterward.
We could have a brief cuddle check-in when Quinn first gets home, then some alone time.
We could have 10 minutes of alone time, then 30 minutes of cuddling one evening, then reverse it the next evening.
We could spend time together but not talking.
Avery could join Quinn lying in the dark room watching Vanderpump.

All kinds of possibilities open up when the partners agree that neither one is wrong.

Peace is possible!
Love, Jonna