One of the questions that comes up a lot for my clients is, “Who did you have to become in order to survive in your family?” Most of us grow up having to fill roles that others have set for us. For example, maybe you had to be the “good kid” – make sure to get good grades, never act out, because you sensed early on that was how to make sure your parents would love you.
Or you had to be the “mediator” and soothe everyone else’s feelings in the family. Or “the bad kid,” because that was the only way to get attention. Maybe you had to hide your feelings so your parents wouldn’t get mad, or sad, and you became “the stoic one.”
We did what we had to do to survive; it was all we knew. And the role worked – it helped us make it through childhood the only way we knew how.
But now, in adulthood, maybe the role is no longer working for you. You’re tired of being “the good one” or “the stoic one” all the time. Maybe you notice there are lots of other parts of yourself that don’t get to be expressed when you’re in this role. Or you notice that the role isn’t getting you what you want. Maybe it’s been hard to take care of your own needs over other people’s, and maybe you feel resentful of it!
The feeling of having been victimized by the role you were cast in is understandable. It wasn’t your fault (again, you did what you had to do to survive). It wasn’t your fault, but now it is your responsibility. No one else can change your role for you. Sigh… when I first realized this, I was angry. “Why am I responsible for changing? It’s going to take work, and it’s not fair!” Yep, I know. It sucks.
The great news is it is absolutely possible to change your role! I support my clients in learning to name and identify the ways they feel bound in unsatisfying roles, to identify and nurture desired parts of themselves, and to re-cast themselves as who they fully are, who they really want to be. Things like identifying their own needs and asking for what they want, setting boundaries to keep themselves safe and sane, accessing and expressing their natural creativity, feeling at home in their own skin – all this and more is possible.
It may feel awkward and unfamiliar to begin with; it may even be hard to imagine in the first place. But you’re not alone. Working with a therapist you trust, who you feel supported and gently challenged by can help.
If this sounds like something you might want to explore, feel free to reach out for a free 15-minute phone consultation to see if you’d like to work with me. You can also check out my article What is a Therapy Session Like? I welcome hearing from you.
