So how do we respond when someone says things like, “You’re making me mad!” “You obviously don’t care if I’m sad,”or, “If you cared about me, you would…”? What can we do or say to during such a storm of feelings without getting swept away?
This follows my earlier post, When Someone Wants You to Fix Their Feelings – The Mindset.
Start by letting yourself slow down. Even if they’re going fast, talking fast, wanting you to respond quickly, YOU can still go slow. Slowing down allows you time to stay calm. You staying calm can keep the conversation from escalating out of control. So take a breath. Take a moment to consider if their upset is actually about you, or if it’s their own inner turmoil being projected onto you.
You can acknowledge and name the feelings you’re seeing, and even empathize, without taking blame for the feelings. Saying things like, “I really hear how upset you are.” “It sounds like you’re feeling very hurt.” “I see how frustrating this is for you.”
See if you can listen non-defensively. Meaning hold off on jumping in to defend yourself or explain. Defending right away can actually increase the upset. Often, when people are in an upset state, they first and foremost want to vent it and feel heard. So this is a perfect time to listen and hear without getting defensive or trying to explain. Even if you disagree with them! The listening is key. You can say things like, “I want to understand what’s happening with you right now. What are you feeling?” You’re meeting them where they are with an offering of understanding without reacting to their blame.
You can be explicit about your boundaries. Things like, “I really care about your feelings, and it doesn’t feel good to be yelled at like this.” “I want to hear you, and I also want to be clear that I can’t control your emotions.”
Notice that all of the above statements throughout are “I-Statements.” You are stating your own feelings. “I want ___, “I feel ____,” “I see ____.” In this way you are calmly standing for your autonomy, sharing your experience, and being present with the other person without taking on any of their stuff. Also, you’re not saying anything to blame them. You’re simply sharing your own experience.
You can take ownership of the behavior, but not the feelings. If they say something like, “You make me feel small and stupid,” you can say something like, “It sounds like something I said/did sparked that feeling. I didn’t intend to, and I don’t want you to feel that way. Help me understand what happened for you.”
Maybe they share, “When you corrected me about the dog-star, Sirius, in front of everyone, you humiliated me.” (Notice how again they are blaming you for their feeling of humiliation. Don’t take the bait! Slow down, name, and empathize without taking blame).
“I hear you felt humiliated. Can you say more?” Or, “I really hear how painful that was for you. You felt humiliated.” If the blame continues, you can reiterate, “It wasn’t my intention, and while I can’t control how you feel, I do want to be with you in this upset right now. I do want to understand what happened inside you when you heard me talk about Sirius.”
Maybe they will share information that sheds light on the magnitude of their feelings. Them: “It’s just like in elementary school when Mrs. Fuller would call me out in front of everyone, and everyone would laugh.” You: “Wow, ouch. That sounds so painful. I can see why my making a correction about Sirius triggered that same feeling.” You are empathizing without taking responsibility.
You can also inquire about what they might need in the moment, again without taking responsibility for their feelings. “What do you need from me right now? Would you like just listening? Can I help you problem solve?”
If they continue to blame you, or if the conversation seems like it’s spiraling up and up and out of control, consider putting on the brakes. “Hey, things seem really hot right now, and this conversation doesn’t feel productive. I’m going to take a break, and let’s see if we can talk about when things are calmer.”
Finally, a great time to talk about this stuff is during calm, neutral moments. Introduce the topic of how you navigate conflict together during a time when you’re not having a conflict. “Hey, I’d like to talk about how we work with our emotions during heated moments and how we communicate during conflicts. Would you be willing to work together with me on that?”
And sometimes, having a neutral third party like a therapist can help you both learn how to slow down, notice and name the separate parts, own the behavior but not the feelings, hear each other, and have productive communication during conflicts.
Onward!
