Earlier we talked about how you are not responsible for other people’s feelings. But how do you respond when someone wants you to take that responsibility? When they blame you for their feelings or demand that you fix their feelings?
When they say things like, “You are making me angry!” “You are making me sad!” “If you loved me, you would…”

It’s sooo easy to get swept up in the emotional storm. To feel defensive and overwhelmed, or to feel guilty. There may be part of you that agrees, “Oh man! They’re upset! I HAVE to fix this!”

(check out my earlier post, “You Are Not Responsible For Other People’s Feelings.”)

Let’s start with the basic mindset that will help free you from feeling responsible for other people’s feelings.

Let’s say your friend had a party, and you left early. You were feeling overwhelmed from social interaction, so you said your goodbyes and went home to recharge. Your friend later texts you they’re so upset that you left. You can tell they’re really mad and blaming you. (“I can’t believe you left the party early! You’re a real jerk, you know? You knew this party was important to me! You’re a terrible friend!”)

The “I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings” mindset includes these three important aspects:

1. We can allow that their feelings are valid. Yep, they feel angry (and probably hurt underneath the anger). It’s what they feel. People feel what they feel. They are allowed to feel angry and hurt. But the feelings might not be fair, and they might not be leading to accurate assessments (e.g. “I’m so upset you left the party early.” Okay, yes, that’s the feeling. “You’re a real jerk, you’re not a good friend!” That’s an assessment or a projection, and it may or may not be true).

2. You are responsible for your behavior (“Yes, I left the party early.”). You are not responsible for the other person’s emotional regulation (saying to yourself, “My friend’s emotional upset is not mine to fix.”).

3. You can relate to the feeling (have empathy) without agreeing with the assessment or fixing the upset. (“I feel for you being so upset. You really didn’t want me to leave when I did.” “That felt really bad to you.” While at the same time knowing, “I’m okay with my choice to leave. I’m not a bad person for leaving. It’s okay for me to take care of my needs.”)

This mindset took me a while to get used to (fellow recovering people-pleasers, check out, “I Want to Stop People Pleasing! [If That’s Okay With You]”). But for me it’s been a key to feeling lighter, less stressed, and actually MORE emotionally present in my relationships.

In my next post I’ll go over how you actually respond when someone demands that you fix their feelings. For now, just try on that mindset and notice any feelings it brings up in you!