Your partner (friend, family member, co-worker) is upset and complaining to you. You try to help, letting them know it’s not that bad, or offering advice, or saying, “Don’t worry, you got this!” Now they’re even more upset! And they’re mad at you! What just happened?
It can be hard to know how to respond when someone’s venting to you. There are several options, and sometimes, if we pick a response-option that doesn’t fit the complainer’s (unspoken) need, it can lead to upset. Let’s break it down.
Let’s say your partner complains to you, “I’m just sick and tired of Tal, my co-worker, pawning off their assignments to me! And I can’t say anything cuz then I’ll look like the bad guy since Boss wants us to be a ‘Team’! Arrrrgghhh!” You could respond with:
Reflection
Mirroring back to them what you are seeing or hearing. Things like, “I hear you. You are sick of it!” “Sounds like you feel stuck.” “You’re really frustrated with this.”
Joining
Commiserating with them. “Ugh, that’s awful.” “Tal is so lame!” “Ugh, Boss should be able to see what’s happening here!”
Reassurance
Letting them know maybe it’s not as bad as they think. “Don’t worry, Boss would never think bad of you. You’re integral to the company!”
Reframing
Offering a different perspective. “Think of it this way: by doing Tal’s assignments, you actually come out looking like the hero in the long run.”
Problem Solving
Offering a solution or a way to fix it. “You could fake a sick day that prevents you from completing Tal’s work. Then their incompetence would be revealed!”
Advice
Offering your opinion on what they should do. “I think you should take a stand, tell Tal ‘No,’ and let them sink or swim.”
Just Listening and Holding Space
Offering a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Maybe with small, supportive responses. “Wow.” “Ugh.” “Mmf!”
Each of those has pros and cons, depending on what the complainer actually wants. If you give the “wrong” one, it can feel invalidating to them, and they may feel hurt or angry. For example, if you offer Reassurance (“Don’t worry, you got this!”) when they are feeling insecure, they may feel you are dismissing them by dismissing their feelings of insecurity. Another common misalignment is offering Problem Solving when the complainer actually wants Just Listening (room to share and be heard) and Joining (feeling like you “get them,” and they’re not alone). Or the opposite – you offer Reflection, “Wow, this sounds really painful for you,” and they’re mad because they want Advice (“Don’t just parrot me! Help me figure out what I should do!”).
Asking can save you!
All that misalignment can be avoided by finding out what kind of responding they want. You can ask! “I’d really like to support you right now. What would help you the most? What kind of response are you wanting right now?” You can even list the options, “Would you like me to just listen and hold you? Would you like reassurance? Or help with problem solving?”
Asking ultimately saves energy. You’re not just guessing and then having to field their upset response at your incorrect guess. (And maybe even feeling mad yourself when your offering isn’t received. “I tried to help!”).
Next time, Part 2: how to respond if you disagree with their complaint in the first place!
