Your partner (friend, family member, co-worker) is upset and complaining to you. You try to help, letting them know it’s not that bad, or offering advice, or saying, “Don’t worry, you got this!” Now they’re even more upset! And they’re mad at you! What just happened?

It can be hard to know how to respond when someone’s venting to you. There are several options, and sometimes, if we pick a response-option that doesn’t fit the complainer’s (unspoken) need, it can lead to upset. Let’s break it down.

Let’s say your partner complains to you, “I’m just sick and tired of Tal, my co-worker, pawning off their assignments to me! And I can’t say anything cuz then I’ll look like the bad guy since Boss wants us to be a ‘Team’! Arrrrgghhh!” You could respond with:

Reflection
Mirroring back to them what you are seeing or hearing. Things like, “I hear you. You are sick of it!” “Sounds like you feel stuck.” “You’re really frustrated with this.”

Joining
Commiserating with them. “Ugh, that’s awful.” “Tal is so lame!” “Ugh, Boss should be able to see what’s happening here!”

Reassurance
Letting them know maybe it’s not as bad as they think. “Don’t worry, Boss would never think bad of you. You’re integral to the company!”

Reframing
Offering a different perspective. “Think of it this way: by doing Tal’s assignments, you actually come out looking like the hero in the long run.”

Problem Solving
Offering a solution or a way to fix it. “You could fake a sick day that prevents you from completing Tal’s work. Then their incompetence would be revealed!”

Advice
Offering your opinion on what they should do. “I think you should take a stand, tell Tal ‘No,’ and let them sink or swim.”

Just Listening and Holding Space
Offering a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Maybe with small, supportive responses. “Wow.” “Ugh.” “Mmf!”

Each of those offers a different kind of support, and how each will be received depends on what your partner actually wants. If you give the “wrong” one, it can feel invalidating to them, and they may feel hurt or angry. For example, if you offer Reassurance (“Don’t worry, it’s not as bad as you think!”) when they are feeling some type of way, they may feel you are dismissing them by dismissing their feelings. Another common misalignment is offering Problem Solving when your partner actually wants Just Listening (room to share and be heard) and Joining (feeling like you “get them,” and they’re not alone). Or the opposite – you offer Reflection, “Wow, this sounds really painful for you,” and they’re mad because they want Advice (“Don’t just parrot me! Help me figure out what I should do!”).

Asking can save you!
All that misalignment can be avoided by finding out what kind of responding they want. You can ask! “I’d really like to support you right now. What would help you the most? What kind of response are you wanting right now?” You can even list the options, “Would you like me to just listen and hold you? Would you like reassurance? Or help with problem solving?”

You can also use Asking and Curiosity to find out more about their upset. “What upsets you the most about this situation?” “What would you like to see happen?”

Using Asking and Curiosity ultimately saves energy. You’re not just guessing and then having to field their upset response at your incorrect guess. (And maybe even feeling mad yourself when your offering isn’t received. “I tried to help!”).

If you’re the one who needs to vent/complain.
You can ask for what you want ahead of time! “Hey, I’d like to tell you about this problem I’m having, and I think I’d just like you to listen. You up for that?” Or, “…and I could really use some possible solutions. Can you help?” Or, “…and I just need some reassurance. Can you giz?”

Changing response-type midstream.
You may not know ahead of time what kind of response you need. You can also open the possibility of changing response-type as you go. For the listener, if you sense your initial response isn’t hitting right, you might say, “Hey, maybe that (advice, commiserating, reflection) wasn’t the kind of support you need right now. What might be better for you? Would you like ____, _____, or _____? Or something else?” For the one who is venting, if your listener’s response isn’t helping, or is maybe even bugging you, you might say, “Hey, I really appreciate your support here. I think what I really need right now is _____.”

Check out part 2: how to respond if you disagree with their complaint in the first place! (“My Partner Is Upset, I Think They’re Wrong. What Do?”)