So your partner is upset and venting to you. You want to support them and help them through their upset as best you can. But what if you disagree with their complaint in the first place? What if you think they’re totally wrong for being upset?

Last time I talked about different ways of responding when someone is upset and venting to you, and you can check that out here: “My Partner Was Upset, I Tried to Help, Now They’re More Upset! What Do?”

Let’s say your partner (friend, colleague, family member) comes to you with the complaint, “I am so sick of the neighbors parking in front of our apartment! Why can’t they park in front of their own damn apartment!” You happen to disagree. You don’t think it matters, it doesn’t bother you, and you don’t know why your partner is making such a big deal out of it.

You have logical reasons to disagree (the parking lot is first-come, first served. It’s like, three extra steps, not that big a deal. Part of living in community is putting up with small annoyances. Suck it up, Buttercup!). But! You know from painful experience that if you tell your partner you disagree while they’re upset, they’re just going to get more upset. Probably at you! For sure – when someone’s actively upset, it can be hard for them to “take in” your logical reasons. That’s because they’re currently in their emotions, not their logic. Those two don’t mix easily.

The trick I use is to separate the two in my own mind. I set aside my logic and reasons, letting my partner’s emotions take center stage while I focus on supporting them through those emotions. I use Reflection and Curiosity for them. “Okay, yeah, I hear you’re really upset about this. What happened?” “This has got you really angry. What’s upsetting about seeing their car there?” “Can you help me understand this issue for you?” I’m holding off on sharing my own opinion and instead just giving them room to vent and share. In this way they have the space and my support to get the upset out of their body.

And, note, while I’m setting my own opinions aside, I may notice that feels difficult to do! I may notice myself getting a little upset! My partner is so wrong! Their upset is such a waste of time! When I notice these thoughts and feelings, I use self-soothing techniques like calm breathing and positive self-talk that includes Joining, Reassurance, and Reframing (“I know, it’s hard to hold your tongue,” I tell myself. “Right now you’re just helping them through their emotions. Opinions can come later.”).

After they’ve vented, they may be more open to Reframing or Problem-Solving.

All in flow,
Jonna