So what does the actual process of unpacking and transforming conflict as a couple look like? Let’s take a look. To start, most often the couple brings in a focal point for the discussion – a recent or ongoing conflict, or something they know they want to work on. Another possible starting point might be the actual dynamic of the couple in the room – like if they’re actively arguing or actively avoiding each other.

From that starting point we then slooooowww thiiiiiingggsss dowwwwwwnnnnn. Often when couples have a conflict (and maybe you’ve noticed this with your partner), things can escalate quickly. Feelings flare up in a split second and start to affect your reactions and words. Maybe we react strongly, which can cause more flare up. An argument can spiral out of control very fast. Or maybe we shut down, resulting in disconnection and simmering bad feelings. Maybe even simmering resentment.

So in session we slow that conflicted interaction down. We look at the issue moment by moment in order to discern and name the feelings and needs that are present.

Here’s a example of how that might look in session with fictional clients Tal and Kam:

Kam shares, “Last night I said I don’t want to go to Tal’s parents’ house for dinner; that started a fight.” Okay, let’s slow it down to unpack it all. We want to find out each person’s perspective, feelings and experience. Why doesn’t Kam want to join the dinner? What is Kam’s experience regarding Tal’s parents? Let’s find out. And what did Tal experience (feelings, thoughts) when Kam said no to dinner? Let’s find out. Maybe we learn that Kam is feeling hurt by something that happened at the previous dinner. Ah, now we can understand Kam’s reluctance to return! Maybe we learn that Tal feels embarrassed about showing up to dinner alone. We can also unpack that, and notice how that fear of embarrassment played into the argument.

Layer by layer we start to understand each person’s experience and feelings during the conflict. Moment by moment we start to understand the conflicted dynamic. And the couple learns how to catch and name these moments and layers as they happen, so that conflicts can be worked out calmly, rather than flaring out of control or simmering into resentment.

Similarly with you and your partner: we start to unpack all the layers and various feelings. We start to notice the pattern of how your conflicts escalate. As we do, you and your partner can learn to notice your feelings and needs moment-to-moment. You learn to name what’s happening and to name what you’re needing in the moment. You learn how to resolve conflict more calmly, taking everyone’s feelings and needs into consideration. And you learn how to collaborate together to solve problems.

Also check out my earlier article, What to Expect From Couples Therapy.