Client Marissa uses therapy to explore her frustration with her young kids, which sometimes explodes into anger and yelling. She experiences more patience and calm. Yay! Then last week she got angry again, which she felt was a step backward. But was it? Let’s take a closer look.
The process of therapy often involves unpacking decades of behaviors and beliefs that have been instilled in us, often in childhood, and then reinforced and conditioned over time. It makes sense that it won’t necessarily be “fixed” in one go, or according to a predictable plan.
First we start to identify the pattern. In Marissa’s case, she was able to identify that she usually gets angry when the kids are messy. As we explored further, she recalled how her dad was a hoarder, so growing up her house was always messy and she had no clean space of her own. Cleanliness and tidiness became reeeaaallly important to her. But, uh-oh, she’s got young kids, and they’re messy! So Melissa can understand why she gets triggered. Yay! Great first step. If we can see the pattern and understand it in our minds, shouldn’t it be easy to change?
Maybe, and maybe not. These ingrained reactions and beliefs are so deep, they can be hard to dislodge. Marissa has prioritized tidiness for so long, it can feel very uncomfortable in her body to try to release her demand for tidiness.
Also, our automatic responses to things that trigger us can sneak up on us – sometimes we react in a flash! We don’t even know what happened, just all of a sudden we’re angry and yelling! Or we’re sad and crying. Or we’re anxious and panicky. An old reaction has flared up. Marissa sees Legos on the floor, and the feeling of being powerless in her father’s filthy house flares up. She’s angry!
It is totally normal that the pathway of change is unpredictable, and goes forward and sometimes back. We are learning. We are practicing something new.
In my own experience and with my clients, the path often follows a trajectory: first we identify the pattern, the triggers. Then we practice lowering our reaction levels. At first, maybe we only see our reactions after the fact (“Oh, this morning when I yelled at the kids for getting cereal everywhere, that was my old trauma flaring up.”). Slowly we start to be able to catch it during a flare up (“I notice I’m super mad about the cereal right now. I’m yelling. Can I stop yelling? Would taking a time out help me calm down?”). Then we become able to catch our triggers before they flare (“I’m about to feed the kids their cereal. It might get messy. I don’t have to get angry. I can use the tools I’ve learned to calm myself. I’m still whole and safe, even with cereal on the floor.”).
In Marissa’s case, she reported that even though she had lost her temper again, she noticed that she wasn’t beating herself up about it as much. She said, “In the past I’d feel bad about myself for days, but this time I’m giving myself some grace. Okay, I lost my temper. I repaired things with my kids, apologized and heard their feelings. We are all moving forward. I know I’m working hard to do better for them.” I love hearing her growing self-compassion! It’s actually a big step forward for several reasons: increasing self-compassion increases calm in her body. And patience with herself can translate into patience with her kids. More patience, less anger.
It’s a winding road. We give ourselves grace.