I pay close attention to my clients’ buts.

What!?

A ha! See, when clients say “I think x, but…,” or “I feely y, but…,” it’s their but that gets my attention. The ‘but’ tells me there’s more to the story.

“I really wish my mom wouldn’t stay for such long visits, but…”
“I want to go back to school, but…”
“I mean, I know the breakup wasn’t entirely my fault, but…”

When we start to explore and unpack these statements, we might learn,

“I really wish my mom wouldn’t stay for such long visits, but I wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings.”
“I want to go back to school, but…I don’t know. It’d probably be too hard.”
“I mean, I know the breakup wasn’t entirely my fault, but I just keep thinking if only I had been, you know, better somehow.”

The ‘but’ indicates there are multiple parts of us at play here. Often one part is a rational part, or perhaps a ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’. For example,

“I shouldn’t hurt people’s feelings”
“I should go to college.”
“Rationally, I know the breakup was due to both of us.”

And the other part reflects a buried or disavowed need:

“I feel responsible for my mom’s emotions.”
“I’m afraid of not measuring up in school,” or “I don’t really enjoy school, but I’m afraid to admit that.”
“The breakup just proves my fear that I’m not good enough in general, as a person.”

Another way of thinking of these parts is that one is the “primary process” and the other is the “secondary process.” – the primary is the part we identify with more. The secondary is the part we find it harder to consider and identify with. Maybe we don’t want to consider the secondary part at all – it’s too painful to look at. Understandable.

Following the big but leads us to the other part, and both parts are valuable to explore. When clients share a but with me, I invite them to follow it with inquiries like,

“Can you say more about not wanting to hurt your mom’s feelings?” “What would happen if you did hurt her feelings?”
“What seems good to you about going back to school?” “What seems bad about it?”
“How did you cause the breakup? How did you not cause it?” “What does ‘being better somehow’ mean?”

In following these inquiries we can discover hidden needs of ours, release long-held pent up emotions, or discover new, important truths about ourselves. So I invite you, any time you catch yourself saying, “Well, this and this, BUT…,” follow the big but!