When a couple is in conflict, there are often many, many pieces in play. Each partner brings multiple issues, desires, needs, past experiences, maybe built-up resentments. When, in the heat of the moment, all of those pieces want acknowledgment at the same time, the conversation can get clogged.

Just like when your sink gets clogged – there’s too much stuff trying to get down the pipe at the same time! There’s blockages, things get stuck, nothing can move through.

Here’s an example. Recently a couple I work with, Ash and Bek (fake names), shared their argument about kitchen cleaning. It had started like this:
Ash: Started doing the dishes.
Bek: Hey, you don’t need to do those. I’ll do them tomorrow.
Ash: No, it’s fine.
Bek: And there it is. You’re mad. And I’m sure it’s all my fault.
Ash: I’m not mad!
Bek: You are mad.
Ash: Seriously, I’m not mad. Would you please listen to me?
Bek: I’m going in the other room.
Communication stops.

In session, as we started unpacking the moments of that interaction, all kinds of pieces came up. Bek would share something about their experience, then Ash would counter with their own experience. Bek responded with another facet, Ash had a different view about that facet. Some of the elements that came into play were:

• Ash feels uneasy and unsafe in an untidy space. For Ash, tidiness means “home” and “relaxation.” Ash had profound childhood experiences that created this feeling.
• Bek likes to feel carefree at home. For Bek, a demand for tidiness is stifling, makes them feel powerless. Bek had profound childhood experiences that created this feeling.
• Ash admits there may have been a tone when they said, “No, it’s fine.” It wasn’t exactly all fine. Turns out Ash wants to accept doing most of the tidying, but also kind of resents it.
• Ash would like some appreciation for their work keeping the kitchen clean.
• Bek had painful childhood experiences that have left them particularly sensitive to tones of voice. Bek heard Ash’s resentment and had a panic reaction, ultimately cutting off communication.
• Bek’s family never talked about issues. Conflicts happened, but never talked about. So Bek is supremely uncomfortable talking about issues.
• Bek feels blamed for Ash’s dissatisfaction with the tidiness level. Bek resents this.
• Ash resents that Bek won’t believe them when they say they don’t blame Bek.
• Ash kind of blames Bek.
• Ash feels frustrated not being able to talk about their conflict in a meaningful way.
• Bek resents being forced to talk about their conflict.

So you can see there is so much going on! In the session, it was a storm of all of these pieces. The couple countered each other with different pieces, reactions to pieces, new pieces. All the pieces were trying to get down the pipe at the same time, and communication was stuck. It didn’t feel good for any of us.

So what can we do when that happens? I start by inviting couples to slow down. Slow waaaaaay down. I work to help the couple take one small piece at a time. Consider just one facet – share it, hear it, acknowledge it. Then another. I believe all of those pieces are important to consider.

Working one thing at a time allows all of these important pieces to be heard and respected. That is simple to imagine, but it can be challenging to do. Slowing down this way requires each partner to be willing to put their own urgent feelings aside for just a moment while they hear their partner’s piece. It requires patience, vulnerability, a willingness to set our own needs aside (briefly) and step into the other’s shoes.

In session we experience the slowing down together. I guide couples through the process and help them work with the initial discomfort of slower, intentional communication. They learn to spot the various pieces, give each piece its acknowledgment and space, so that the clog breaks up naturally. The goal is not absence of conflict, but rather a way of processing conflict that allows continued connection and flow.