Your dad tosses you a hand towel, and you explode, “Quit f*ing trying to control me!” You leave a cabinet open, your partner screams, “I’m sick of your GD disrespect!” Yep, sometimes tiny things set off big rage. That’s a sign that something deeper might be going on.
That first one was actually me. My dad tossed me a hand towel, and I erupted. I was in my 40s! When I had the time to explore more deeply, I noticed how my dad’s “helpfulness” stirred up feelings of disempowerment and being corrected (like I was doing something wrong). I recognized these as old old old experiences and patterns from childhood, and how I was still carrying around the rage about them.
Maybe you have that, too. Old rage buried deep. We aren’t always conscious of it, that’s how deep it is. But it sits there like an angry bull in a tight pen, and all it takes on the right kind of event in the present to unleash that bull and its thrashing, destructive mayhem.
The problem is that the current-day recipient of that bull-rage doesn’t like to be raged at! Dad doesn’t understand why I screamed at him when he was just trying to be helpful. He thinks it’s unfair and perhaps a little unhinged! He’s not wrong!
And when your partner screams “I’m sick and tired of your f*@ing disrespect!” just cuz you left a cabinet open, you’re left feeling unjustly attacked, maybe afraid or angry about their over-the-top reaction. In this way “historic rage” can cause damage to present-day relationships.
One of the things I help clients with is discerning their historic rage and giving them a place to express it without damaging their current-day relationships. I support you as you learn to notice the things that tap into and provoke that deep bull-rage, learn to handle the big feelings that come up without goring or trampling your friends, partner, or family. I help you identify what it is you need and how to advocate for your needs.
Your anger is understandable and allowed. We can give that beloved bull the room and respect it needs, while also corralling it so that it doesn’t damage the things you care about.
