Why is your soda can still on the coffee table?
How am I supposed to fit all that in my car?
Why didn’t you tell me you wanted rice?
How can you even stand to wear those shoes?
Why can’t you just __?

Do you notice a theme in those questions? Or, slowing it down, what do you notice in your body as you read those questions or imagine someone saying those things to you? I notice I feel kind of “attacked” by the questions, kind of put on the spot. My stomach feels tight; I feel defensive. I want to shut down a little (even though I’m the one who wrote them! 🙂 ).

Yeah, no doubt! The theme I see in all those questions is that they seem like innocent inquiries (in terms of the actual words), but they all sound pretty judgy and harsh. You can “hear” the judgmental tone!

These kinds of questions come up a lot in our relationships and they are communication killers! They actually have a tendency to increase conflict. Tell me if this sounds familiar:

Morgan: “Why is your soda can still on the coffee table?”
Lee: “I was gonna put it in recycling, but then (xyz) happened.”
Morgan: “And you couldn’t do two things at once? Or deal with the can before (xyz)?”
Lee: “I got caught up with (xyz). I don’t see what the big deal is. I’ll move it now”
Morgan (getting more angry): “The big deal is that you never clean up after yourself until I get mad!”
Lee: (getting angry, too): “That is such baloney, and you know it! I clean up a ton! But nothing’s ever good enough for you, is it!?”
Morgan: (Anger)
Lee: (More anger)
Morgan: (Even more anger!)

Now, we can see that there might be some built up resentments in that relationship, but I want to suggest that the fire starter for this conflicted conversation is that “Why question.” And here’s why:

On one hand, Morgan’s actual words are saying, “Please inform me of the sequence of events that led to this soda can remaining on the table.” But when Lee attempts to provide the information requested, Morgan just shoots down Lee’s explanation and gets angry. Because Morgan did not actually want to know the reason the can was on the table. What Morgan really wanted was to express their feelings of upset/displeasure about the can.

The question sends a double signal. The words say one thing (“Provide me information.”), but the tone says another (“Acknowledge my upset.”).

So right from the start, Morgan’s tone puts Lee on the defensive, already shutting down a little. Then when Lee responds to the words by informing Morgan of the sequence of events, Morgan gets mad because what they actually wanted was to have their upset feelings acknowledged. And then when Morgan responds angrily to Lee’s explanation, Lee gets upset because they feel attacked when all they were doing was answering the question that Morgan had asked! And so the cycle of upset, anger, and conflict ratchets up and up.

When I work with couples on improving their communication and reducing conflict, I help them learn to identify these kinds of double signal questions. We practice identifying double signal moments and then addressing them directly and calmly. That could be Morgan catching their impulse to ask a double signal question and instead saying, “Lee, I’m really upset about the soda can on the table. I’d like to talk about it.”

Or when Lee hears a double signal question, they might try, “Morgan, it sounds like you’re upset about the can on the table. What are you feeling?”

We learn to break the question down and discern the underlying emotions and needs and to use I-statements to share those feelings and needs and ask for what we want. For Morgan that might be something like, “Lee, I’m upset about the can on the table. Having a tidy living space is important to me. It helps me feel safe and calm. At the same time, I feel overwhelmed by the amount of tidying there is to do. I could use some support in keeping things tidy; that would help me a lot.” For Lee it might be something like, “Morgan, sometimes I feel attacked by your demands or angry-sounding questions. I start to shut down and I feel the need to protect myself. I don’t like feeling attacked, and I start to get angry about it.”

In this way Morgan and Lee can open up a calm dialogue about their feelings and needs.

Learning to spot double signal questions is a practice, but when we can learn to identify and share our feelings and needs, we can decrease conflict and begin to collaborate on solutions.