If you suffer from looping thoughts or rumination, you know how disruptive and distracting that can be. You want to yell, “Brain, SHUT UP!” There’s a ton of excellent help for how to change your thoughts and break out of rumination. But one angle that I like to explore with clients seems counterintuitive. It’s this: What’s good about the rumination?

I learned this from my own therapist years ago, when he asked me what was good about my constant worrying. At first I answered, “Nothing! There’s nothing good about it! It keeps me from being present, it distracts me, it has me feeling kind of nauseated. I’m stressed out all the time! It’s terrible!” He said, “Well, there must be something you’re getting out of it, otherwise you wouldn’t keep doing it.” Somehow his framing it that way landed for me, and I stopped to really think about it. What do it get out of worrying? If I could actually approach that question without fighting it or judging myself, maybe there would be some helpful insight.

So that’s what I offer my clients, too. Yes, we can talk about how to “fight” the rumination. We can talk about strategies to break the ruminative pattern. We can talk about how distressing it is, and what it costs us. It can be relieving and helpful to acknowledge rumination that way. AND! There also may be excellent information in asking ourselves that other question. What’s good about it? What am I getting out of it?

In my case, after sitting with it for a while, I realized that worrying gives me a feeling of control. Like, if I constantly think and worry about a thing, then it won’t escalate. Or, then I’ll be prepared to respond when it does inevitably escalate. That idea that I have control makes me feel “safe.” So that’s what’s good about worrying for me.

With that realization, I was then able to explore my desire for control and my need for safety, both of which were very deep-seated issues for me. Deep, core stuff that underlies much of my fundamental sense of self. So it was like that question opened a path for me to get to the heart of the matter.

I like offering clients those hard, weird questions that open doors to the heart of the matter.