Ever have the experience of going from calm to enraged in a flash? Fast and Furious, zero to sixty in a blink. Rage takes over, and before you realize what’s happening, you’re in the storm. Here’s what may be going on, and what you can do about it.

What’s going on:
Triggers are triggers because they touch into something deeper within us. Just as a trigger on a gun taps into a whole internal mechanism and unleashes stored energy (gunpowder), our “triggers” tap into an internal reservoir of stored energy, memories, and conditioned responses. For example, let’s say your dad had a purple towel that he loved, and growing up you were never allowed to use it. In fact, once, when you were 4, you used it and got screamed at. And dad would scream and yell any time he couldn’t find that purple towel. That was really scary for you. And you couldn’t say anything about it because you were just a kid. And maybe there’s part of you that’s really, really angry about that – deep down inside.

So you’ve got all these memories of dad’s yelling, and all that fear energy and anger energy stored in your body. And so now, even as an adult, you can’t look at a purple towel without feeling your chest seize up and your heart start to pound. Also, you’ve got a hair-trigger sensitivity: if anyone tells you, “Hey, don’t touch my ____” or balks at sharing something, you get “unreasonably” angry in a flash. You may wonder, “Why am I enraged just because my partner asked me to save that last piece of cake until tomorrow?” It taps into the unprocessed anger you felt from childhood. Totally understandable.

But! It can be problematic in our current relationship if we’re getting enraged about cake. So what can we do about it?

What to do about it:
The key is to buy yourself time. Create some time/space between the trigger and your reaction. Time for you to reflect on what’s going on, get a little bit of self-regulation going, take it down a notch, and choose your response. Here are some ideas for how to start doing that.

1. Start to notice when you get triggered in the first place. You can do this consciously by actively looking for triggers for a while. Make it like a game. You go grocery shopping, you say to yourself, “How many things can I find that piss me off while shopping?” In this way you can start to bring your triggers into awareness. As an example, let’s say you notice the long checkout line makes you mad.

2. Take notice of when the anger flashes happen for real. What are your triggers? Start to get curious about what goes on inside you (the mechanism of the gun, and what the stored energy might be) right before an anger flash happens. Working with a therapist can also help you unpack these layers.

3. Practice some mindfulness. You can start by doing this while playing your “Look for Anger Triggers” game, above, which keeps it a low-stakes way to practice and build reps. When you experience the first signs of anger (e.g. as you notice there’s a long checkout line), take three breaths. You can play with relaxing your jaw and shoulders, opening your chest, and feeling your feet on the ground during these breaths. Or say to yourself “I’m here. I’m okay. I have time to respond” while exhaling. You are observing yourself. You are being your own Calming Coach.

4. Consider your options for responses. What choices do you have? In the checkout line, maybe it’s, “I can stand here and look upset and make huffing sounds.” “I can yell, “WHY IS THIS LINE SO LONG!?” “I can sing my favorite song in my head.” “I can list 4 things I feel grateful for, then maybe 3 more things.” “I can do some secret yoga stretches while I’m waiting.” “I can demand to speak to the manager.” Lots of options! Pick one you like!

5. Grace yourself. Let yourself build your cathedral one brick at a time. As you start to put the above steps into practice, you may notice your anger still gets away from you sometimes. That’s understandable and part of the process. Engage in after-anger debriefing with yourself, get curious. What happened? What did I experience? Where could I catch it earlier next time?

6. Engage in repair work. You can start to share with others if you have regret for blowing up, or if you notice that your anger reaction caused some damage in the relationship. Taking responsibility for your part not only can restore connection in the relationship, it also can reinforce the work you’re doing inside yourself. “Hey, babe. I’m sorry I got so upset about the cake thing. Your request was totally reasonable, and I don’t like how I reacted so strongly at you. What’s actually going on is I think being ‘denied’ something touches into some big feelings from my childhood. That’s not an excuses for blowing up at you, it’s just to let you know what happened. I’m working on catching those triggers earlier so I don’t just fire off.”

I’m rooting for you!
Love,
Jonna