I was unloading the dish rack, and I had a plan. I would take all the tupperware first in order to maximize efficiency with just one trip to the tupperware drawer. Brilliant! Except that halfway to the tupperware drawer the giant stack got away from me and everything clattered to the floor.

Instantly I felt angry. My inner critic, that voice in my head, started in on me: “You’re pathetic! That was so inefficient, you ruined everything!” I felt terrible and anxious. My body felt tight; my breathing changed. But wait, I thought. Why am I having such a huge reaction? It’s just plastic bowls and lids on the floor. It’s not that big a deal, right?

But to that voice in my head it wasn’t just the tupperware; it was every time growing up that I came to believe, “If I do well, my mom will praise me. If I make a mistake, my mom will yell at me.” “I have to be perfect in order to be loved.” “If I’m not perfect, I’m unworthy of love.”

Once I saw that it was PAST EXPERIENCES and CONDITIONED BELIEFS rearing up in that moment,

Then I could have a conversation with that part of me that was conditioned to those beliefs.
Then I could attend to my nervous system and help my body relax.
Then I could question if that voice in my head might be wrong. Maybe being inefficient doesn’t mean I’m unlovable. Maybe being inefficient doesn’t have to mean anything at all.

Maybe I’m allowed to be inefficient, messy, slow, lazy sometimes, silly, obstinate sometimes, greedy sometimes, ignorant sometimes, angry sometimes, afraid sometimes, and still be a good person. And still be worthy of love.

Yes, you are.